Guys, I see some serious paranoia here

I think you need to loosen up a bit

As for this:
monamipierrot wrote:-uh, can you please embellish this official press-release of mine?:
"IN THE END, THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE, AND IT WILL BE ME!!! HA HA HA!" [follows: beheading of all present journalists]
Sure, mate! There ya go:
In an official statement issued today by the Scottish Office of the Chieftain, Monamipierrot, leader of Scots, has cancelled all audiences for the next few days due to a serious case of domestic flue. Monamipierrot is receiving medical treatment from the best Scottish shamans and is expected to resume his duties by the middle of the week, at the latest.
The Office of the Chieftain is categorically denying claims that recently appeared in the media that Chieftain is undergoing psychiatric treatment due to his increasingly often maniacal episodes of megalomania and paranoid schizophrenia accompanied by anorexia and severe attacks of diarrhea; such claims represent malevolent manipulation aimed at destabilising Scottich Despotia, demoralising the army and inciting fear among loyal subjects in order to make Despotia more vulnerable to external threats. The Office insists that such activities cease and warns all enemies of the state that spreading false rumours about the helth condition of the Chieftain are considered high treason and punishable by death by decapitation.
At the same time, the Glasgow Psychiatric Hospital has announced that it is starting with the reconstruction of its east wing whose north wall collapsed this morning and that, due to the intensity of construction works and safety of passers-by, any trespassing is strictly forbidden. Because of this armed spearmen have been posted to ensure nobody comes near the wing and have orders to stab on sight.